I haven't written a lot to the list, but I do read everything...today I
need to write.
I have been pretty much housebound for the past two years, though I can
go a few places (as long as I can keep the car in sight) for brief periods of
time and drive within about a five-mile radius (as long as I don't have to get
out of the car!). As I may have mentioned awhile back, we are building our
first house and are getting ready to move at the end of this month. Our new house
is about four miles from our current home, so I've been driving out there
daily since construction began in order to be as comfortable as possible
with being in that area before we moved there.
This morning I was on my way back from the new neighborhood and the car
suddenly felt funny. I didn't know if it was the engine or what, but then
I suddenly realized I had blown a tire. I immediately began to panic because
I had no cell phone and was on a stretch of road that is just open land,
no houses, no stores, no nothing....a nightmarish situation for me. :(
Fortunately, I was able to flag down a passing sheriff's deputy, who was
none too happy to stop and help me, as he was on his way to another call. I
was frantic by that time and begged him to take me home. He ignored that and
called my husband, but this is our only vehicle, so my husband was of course
unable to come and get me. I again begged the officer to take me home,
or at least somewhere I could call the auto club from, but he refused and I tried
to explain to him that I have panic disorder and agoraphobia, but he was
most unsympathetic.
Finally, he decided to change my tire and I was looking for a place to
throw up. There were also waves of feeling I'd have to have diarrhea, and my
first thought was what would happen if I had diarrhea right then and there! But
by then I was beginning to be a bit irritated at the officer's attitude and
decided if he wouldn't take me home and I DID have diarrhea, then so be
it! I sat down and tried to concentrate on breathing and other things while
he put the spare tire on, which couldn't have taken more than a very few
minutes, but it seemed like an eternity.
I wasn't sure I'd be able to drive when he did get the tire on there, but
I knew it was a straight shot and if I just took it easy, I'd make it home,
and of course as soon as I was moving again, the panic melted away. And now
my husband has gone to get four new tires on the car, as we were going to
need to do that soon anyway, so hopefully that particular type of mishap won't
happen again for awhile.
I recently started seeing a nurse practitioner and have started on Paxil,
but not long enough for it to do any real good yet. I've started practicing
yoga regularly, and have found it very relaxing, but I have only been doing
it a few days, not long enough for the new good breathing habits to take hold.
However, as uncomfortable as this situation was, it bolstered my confidence
that I can indeed endure no matter what, and somehow during the whole thing
I did know that everything would eventually come out all right. So in a way,
it might have been a blessing in disguise, so to speak.
But I'm thinking seriously about getting a cell phone!
Thank you all for being there,
Patricia :)
The only thing that can happen when I have a panic attack is that it will pass whether it passes quickly or slowly depends whether I drop the idea
of it being dangerous or not.
